So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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