She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
