naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
