The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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