Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
