Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Are we still banned from the library?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
