I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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