I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
