Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
