I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
