If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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