the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
