I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
