she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
handjob tips. give me some.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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