my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
