my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
