Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
nutella sex= disaster
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
