A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So here I am, sexting at work.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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