did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
