Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
