SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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