i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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