He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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