im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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