I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
