You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
