That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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