dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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