at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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