I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
