Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
