I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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