she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
