just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I feel like a drive thru vagina
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
