dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
