a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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