Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
