I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
