his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
