im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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