it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
two words: eviction party
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
