True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
