WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
