youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
