woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
