I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
