Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
