just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I checked into jail on foursquare
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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