Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
