yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You can't motorboat a personality
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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