I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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