wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
